I’m sorry, my breasts need *what* now?

Apparently, they need a dildo smashed between them so they can get a good night’s sleep. For only $55!

This video is classic. I see the next generation’s “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” or “The Clapper” here:

via Jezebel

 

Accidental Advice: Lubes for Pornpeople

Question: what kind of lube do pornpeople use?

Ah, now this is a good question. As we always say here at Early to Bed, when trying to learn more about sex, definitely turn to porn for your answers. It’s because they’re so realistic and have such reasonable and true-to-life depictions of sex.

I’m hoping it goes without saying that I’m joking, but you never know with the internet. So I’ll just say it – I’m joking.

Looking to porn to answer your questions about the mechanics of sex, or to get advice about lube, toys, penetration options, what most humans enjoy, etc. is a really terrible idea. Porn exists to entertain you and to get you off. That is it. The people who participate in porn are actors, and just as you don’t truly believe that Jack Black could disable a network of lasers with his cock in the Tenacious D movie, you should not believe that the lube used in porn is the lube you should be using in your bedroom.

Not to mention the fact that 90+% of “pornpeople lube” is actually just the actors spitting on each other. They spit on cocks, on pussies, on butt holes. They spit huge loogies and delicate dribbles. They just spit all the livelong day. But here’s the thing – spit is great in a pinch, when you need *just* a tiny extra bit of moisture to get you started, but it is laughable as a lube. Plus, let’s be honest. It just looks ridiculous. What are you, an old timey baseball player, spitting on your hands before you pick up your wooden bat and stride to the plate in your wool onesie? Give me a break.

The times that I have seen pornpeople use actual lubes, it has been mostly silicone. Silicone lube is great for many things, but it has its downsides as well. It is not water soluble, meaning it will not soak into your skin and get sticky. This also means it’s great for a nice shower fuck, as it won’t wash off. But it can stain sheets, it leaves a slimy residue on whatever body part was fucked (which can be wiped off with a towel, but not washed off with water) and, for anal sex, it doesn’t protect your delicate anal tissues the way a thicker, more cushiony water-based lube (like Maximus) can. It is also not to be used with silicone or cyberskin toys, as it can dissolve those materials. Nevertheless, silicone lube can be a lot of fun. It’s also a great odor-free “oil” for massages, making it easy to segue into fucking… as unlike actual oils, it is latex-compatible. Hooray for multi-tasking! Some of our favorite silicone lubes include Amorist and Pink.

But don’t neglect water-based lubes just because pornpeople do! Water-based lubes are great – they come in many varieties from lotiony to gel-like, thick and viscous to smooth and thin. Because they are made of mostly water, they will eventually absorb into your skin, but you can always keep a little spray bottle near your bed and spray it on a sticky spot to “reactivate” the lube. And some water-based lubes are longer lasting than others. Our faves are Liquid Silk (lotiony and smooth) and Sliquid H2O (remarkably similar in consistency to vaginal fluids) but there is a smorgasbord of options for you.

So there you have it. Say no to spit and yes to the amazing variety of water-based and silicone lubes at your disposal. And maybe the pornpeople will start taking advice from you.

Got a burning question you want answered? Too embarrassed to ask someone who might actually be able to help? Ask Google and maybe it’ll show up under our Search Terms so I can write a column about it!

 

Going steady with Hitler

Check out these hilarious abstinence ads. Personally, I love the cartoon Hitler one… too soon?

 

Party Hats. For your cock.

People are always concerned about whether working in a sex shop has made me jaded about sex. Whether it’s all ho-hum, boring now that all the deep dark secrets of sexuality have been laid bare at my feet.

What a ridiculous notion. I won’t go into it  here, because yet again, Greta Christina has beat me to it, and in an elegant and brilliant way. Read it.

Nevertheless, it is fair to say that it takes a lot to surprise me. Customers are always concerned that their proclivities and needs are the weirdest thing I will ever come across… that is just untrue. It is a rare and special day when something makes me titter with surprise and glee.

That day, my friends, is today. Check out, if you will the chocolate cock hats on this site.

I’m a fan of the Viking helmet, myself.

I see several problems with this line of products, some logistical, some health-related, others may just be my own personal preference. But really. How is it enjoyable to sit around eating a candy bar off someone’s cock without actually getting to the cock? Suddenly sucking dick is like one of those old Tootsie Pop commercials?

Yowza. These things should come with a warning.

Anyone have any good segue lines to bring the chocolate hat into the bedroom?

-Eden

 

Bra for husband-hunters

Uh… what?

via Sex and Blogs.

 

Douching with Coca-Cola

Ah. Nothing says “safe sex” quite like a refreshing Diet Coke douche. You know what else I like to use to prevent pregnancy? Rodent balls.

Apparently so do some other people. Check out History’s 10 Most Terrifying Contraceptives. But do not try these at home. Because as the article’s authors say: “you have to remember that ancient civilizations existed mainly to disgust the future.”

Good stuff.

 

Show mom you care with a uterus cake!

You still have 3 shopping days left! Why not get Mom one of these delicious baked goods?

Mmm. What’s not to love?

 

Cuchini?

Great blog post by My Sex Professor (Debby Herbenick) on the kinda-creepy Cuchini. My parts feel icky just thinking about it.

xoxo searah

 

Smell like a Porn Star!

Finally! Jenna Jameson has her own perfume! I so wonder what it smells like… 

http://www.heartbreakerbyjenna.com/news.php

xoxo, Searah

 

What the heck is going on here? (NSFW)

WOW. All I can say is wow.

xoxo,

Searah