Today’s search term: Bicycle Sex
This search term immediately caught my eye, though it’s less humorous on the surface than many of the other topics I’ve chosen. It makes me think of three things:
1) The scene in Sixteen Candles with Long Duck Dong dry-humping his girlfriend on the exercise bike at that party.
2) Trying, unsuccessfully, to get myself off on my bike whilst riding over rumble strips.
3) The surreal bike-fucking scene in the porn Insexts (which we only have for rent, not for sale, but which you might want to check out).
First things first. Can you have sex on a bike? This depends on several factors, but with enough ambition, I’m sure you can do just about anything. First – is the bike moving? Is it an exercise bike or a road bike? What kind of sex do you want to be having, and will you be having it with another person? (More on sex with the bike in part 3). I suspect that having intercourse or other partner sex with another person on a moving bicycle outside would be very tricky for all but the most acrobatic of participants, but hey, more power to you if you can swing it. And if you can swing it, please leave a comment with tips for us less acrobatic folk.
A stationary bicycle would probably be much easier. One person can rest/lean on the handlebars, or one or both of you could both balance on the seat. Or, if you’re like the characters in Sixteen Candles and you have access to one of those old school bicycles that mimics a sex chair, well, much of your work is already done for you! Just hump each other and enjoy the fruits of your labor.
2) I rode my bike across the country, and this left me with long hours to contemplate ways to better entertain myself. Scenery was nice, except when it was boring, and biking sure got old. So I thought, hey! People talk about getting off on bikes… think it’s possible? Generally speaking, riding a bike long distances does more to numb one’s clit than stimulate it, at least in my experience, but I thought maybe some extra stimulation from roadside rumble strips might do the trick.
Eh, not exactly. But I can say that the really small, close-together bumps were much more likely to do some good than the bigger, further apart bumps. So… if you’re more patient and determined than I, you might be able to get yourself off while riding your bike, by using the road as a vibrator!
3) Okay. Insexts is ultimately not a terribly satisfying porn, in my opinion, as most of it is a surreal, arty fashion show with the models dressed as insects. It has its own appeal, sure… it would be great background video at a fashionable party, but it’s just not sexy. However. There is another component of the movie that does not involve pretty, pouty girls dressed as butterflies. This part of the movie involves pretty girls in bike helmets fucking themselves with bike seats shaped like dildos.
Yeah. They’re standing over their bikes but instead of riding them, they’re riding them. The seats all have dildo-shaped extensions out the front, and the actors roll the bikes back and forth for high-tech bike-fucking action. This part is really cool, very unique, and strangely erotic. Did I mention they’re wearing bike helmets? Safety first.
So how does this translate into practice? Well, you could fashion your own dildo bike seat. Or you could get one of those extra-long bike seats, but be careful for pointy parts. You might even have a bike with handlebars smooth and straight enough for fucking, or again, make your own. Like I said, anyone with enough determination can figure out a way to have sex with their bicycle.
If this doesn’t get you to stop driving your car in favor of bicycling, I don’t know what will.
-Eden
Got a burning question you want answered? Too embarrassed to ask someone who might actually be able to help? Ask Google and maybe it’ll show up under our Search Terms so I can write a column about it!
